Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Tomorrow will be a month since you left this world. Just when I think I'm fine, I'm recovering, moving forward it seems the flood gates have opened and I've fallen over that cliff edge. Makes me wonder why a month is so important, a year would make sense...but a month marker? And then I realized its important, because it marks an entire month without you...just more proof that time marches forward and I can never go back. All this time I've felt like it was ok, because this wasn't real, like I could just hit rewind and go back and things would be normal again. But things will never be normal again. After the funeral, I sat with mom, ok that's a lie...I didn't sit...I sank into her and cried like a baby....and I asked her one question..."now what?". And she told me "now we move forward, we go on, we live". Which is what I know you would want me to do. Its easy to keep up the pretense that this is all just a bad dream, while I'm here in Connecticut. But I fear the drive home. I fear the emptiness I felt in the house without you around. I fear the depth of my sadness.